A letter to someone I believe in for sometime now

As I write this note

Believe me you're at most in my heart. 

It's been a long time since anyone make me feel this way. So head over heels, feeling upside down, I love being around you. I do. Like I said on before I write the rest of this note, You're at most in my heart. The way you love me, the way you kiss me. I can say you feel the same way as I do. But that's not it. I'm not only looking for those. It's something more than just what you give me.

I like being loved, but sometimes when I wait for you to text me, when I wait for you to initiate something I want you to decide, I feel like, being single is better. I feel happy at best. No one can bring me down, I choose who I brought down. But now, just waiting for you makes me down. You see how sometimes I feel blue when I'm around you. If you ask me, I will tell you I'm fine, but deep inside I was thinking. Those things I write after this will explain what was I thinking. I hate feeling this way. That's why I wanna run away from you. 

I don't know how many times I need to say it, you're at most in my heart. I mean it. You make me feel alive again, like I felt before. But, there's always a part of me who want to escape from you. I feel exhausted by this love. This feeling I feel is overwhelming, fluctuating. You may see me constantly loving you, but deep inside my heart is struggling to stay, beside you, like this. There's always a part of me who's afraid to be hurt. You know that. I'm this girl with way too many scars to cover. 

I remember that time when you joke about ending this thing we just started and I said, let's. I can see from your face, you were shocked. You wondered if I was kidding you. I only reply you by saying, well, you know me. I never knew whether I was serious or not. Actually, I do. I do know whether I'm serious or not. That time, when I said let's end this, I was serious. that exact second, I was serious. But when I see your face, I took those words again. You were glad that you thought I was kidding you and I'm not going to leave you. But I've told you for many times, there's a part of me who wants to leave you. 

These scars I have, are the things that makes me feel this way. That makes me scared to get hurt, makes me feel overwhelmed by this love, knowing that maybe sadness is just around the corner, I don't deserve to be loved this much. Knowing that the end maybe just a step away from us, knowing that tomorrow is mystery and those negative things I thought could happen is a part of mystery of tomorrow. 

Remember that morning, when we were talking on the phone after that argue, I told you most of the time I will forget about myself when I'm in a relationship? If you're still confused with that, I will translate it to english. I will forget about myself when you ask me not to leave. I will stay, because you ask me to and I don't wanna make you sad, although I may want to leave. Because sometimes being too in love is hurting me. Feeling too happy is hurting me. I may forget about myself when we're having an argument. If you make a mistake and apology, I would definitely forgive you right away. You said I'm cool? I hate arguments. I will keep those things I feel in my heart. I won't let you take a peek to my heart, what's going in there. I won't. Letting someone to see what's going in my heart is too much. If I wanna let you know what I feel, I will tell you right away, hoping that you will understand. 

I have no intention writing this letter to you, which I will never send. Sometimes when I write this kind of thing, I wish that you will open up my laptop and try to find a thing that might give you something and you'll find this. Read this. Without me telling you right away, because letting someone know how I feel is sometimes too much for me to do. 

Yours,

The person who always wrong.