Bad Year, Maybe?

So, as I mentioned on the title of this post, it's been a pretty terrible year for me, in one too many aspects, but I put more emphasizing on my romance part of life. You know, works been tough for me, it took a lot of my time to have them be done on time, and maybe juggling may not be working as good as it was before.

Well, romance. Let's see, it's been almost 7 months since this year has started, and I haven't even been on a sort of seriously seeing someone. Those who I've been not serious, in quantity aspect, also has been dramatically dropped since the last... probably 5 years. I don't really have any certain reason why is this happening, maybe if I do, I wouldn't be writing about this and instead, making it up. Really, it's been really bad in a way that my friends been very confused about this, because usually every time they asked me who am I hooking up lately, I'll be spilling different names from time to time which in the end make them ask, "is this the guy you told me last time? Because this one sounds different." And these days, they'll be saying, "Really? Not even a guy? Where is this person that I knew? Are you in there?" I hope, from the example above you can understand the situation I'm telling you.

If I may recap from the beginning of this year, I would say I've been TALKING with three guys, and hooked up with one, which didn't went well since he both and I sort of the same person and he's not something, well someone, you want to date and introduce to your parents. Not to mention, he's nothing like any guys I've ever been with. Physically, emotionally, personally, and sense of style. Really bad. I mean, most of the guys would only strike two out of those four aspects, but this guy strikes all of them. I don't even understand how he managed to live with so many strikes.

Two months ago, I've been trying to 'retry' with my ex from high school. Like, it was such a brief relationship that I think really need a second chance to try, because honestly, I really liked him, but haven't reached the 'love' phase to stay with him when the person that I thought I loved came around. Well, yesterday my friend spilled some sort of bad news about this ex, which it seems that he's been giving a girl in his town some attention, something that he wouldn't do if this girl is just another girl. When I initiate the idea of 'retry'ing, he said that let's just keep this cool and look what the future say about this. I've been waiting for him to comeback to the city where we might be able to work out some stuff, but if this is the situation, I think I need to just overcome it and give myself more time to be just on my own.

Well, it's not much but I just feel like writing tonight. So, this is what it is. I don't even think anyone would read what I've been writing tonight, but writing for myself is not bad at all. Good night. 

A letter to someone I believe in for sometime now

As I write this note

Believe me you're at most in my heart. 

It's been a long time since anyone make me feel this way. So head over heels, feeling upside down, I love being around you. I do. Like I said on before I write the rest of this note, You're at most in my heart. The way you love me, the way you kiss me. I can say you feel the same way as I do. But that's not it. I'm not only looking for those. It's something more than just what you give me.

I like being loved, but sometimes when I wait for you to text me, when I wait for you to initiate something I want you to decide, I feel like, being single is better. I feel happy at best. No one can bring me down, I choose who I brought down. But now, just waiting for you makes me down. You see how sometimes I feel blue when I'm around you. If you ask me, I will tell you I'm fine, but deep inside I was thinking. Those things I write after this will explain what was I thinking. I hate feeling this way. That's why I wanna run away from you. 

I don't know how many times I need to say it, you're at most in my heart. I mean it. You make me feel alive again, like I felt before. But, there's always a part of me who want to escape from you. I feel exhausted by this love. This feeling I feel is overwhelming, fluctuating. You may see me constantly loving you, but deep inside my heart is struggling to stay, beside you, like this. There's always a part of me who's afraid to be hurt. You know that. I'm this girl with way too many scars to cover. 

I remember that time when you joke about ending this thing we just started and I said, let's. I can see from your face, you were shocked. You wondered if I was kidding you. I only reply you by saying, well, you know me. I never knew whether I was serious or not. Actually, I do. I do know whether I'm serious or not. That time, when I said let's end this, I was serious. that exact second, I was serious. But when I see your face, I took those words again. You were glad that you thought I was kidding you and I'm not going to leave you. But I've told you for many times, there's a part of me who wants to leave you. 

These scars I have, are the things that makes me feel this way. That makes me scared to get hurt, makes me feel overwhelmed by this love, knowing that maybe sadness is just around the corner, I don't deserve to be loved this much. Knowing that the end maybe just a step away from us, knowing that tomorrow is mystery and those negative things I thought could happen is a part of mystery of tomorrow. 

Remember that morning, when we were talking on the phone after that argue, I told you most of the time I will forget about myself when I'm in a relationship? If you're still confused with that, I will translate it to english. I will forget about myself when you ask me not to leave. I will stay, because you ask me to and I don't wanna make you sad, although I may want to leave. Because sometimes being too in love is hurting me. Feeling too happy is hurting me. I may forget about myself when we're having an argument. If you make a mistake and apology, I would definitely forgive you right away. You said I'm cool? I hate arguments. I will keep those things I feel in my heart. I won't let you take a peek to my heart, what's going in there. I won't. Letting someone to see what's going in my heart is too much. If I wanna let you know what I feel, I will tell you right away, hoping that you will understand. 

I have no intention writing this letter to you, which I will never send. Sometimes when I write this kind of thing, I wish that you will open up my laptop and try to find a thing that might give you something and you'll find this. Read this. Without me telling you right away, because letting someone know how I feel is sometimes too much for me to do. 

Yours,

The person who always wrong.

Years Old

Well, don't get me wrong. I know being 19 isn't that old, but I feel like as if it's a meaningless birthday.
I got nothing to wait for, there's no "significant others"who will give a damn about me getting older. At least last year I still got that one person and this year... none.
You know, like when you got 18, you'll be legal for some things, when you're 17 somehow people make it special, and there's this f-ing sweet 16, and even when you were only 15, it's a special number. But how about 19? Does it gonna bring me any difference?
When I remember my birthday this year, I thought, well, I'll get a chance to have dinner with my best friends, my gang. But then, ugh, I just remember, one of my best friend won't be here until at least 2 weeks after my birthday so that I can't have my birthday dinner on my birthday with them.
Somehow I just wanna pass this birthday with sleep thru the day and wake up the next day. I got no expectation at all about that particular day.
Maybe, just maybe, it's all because things that I went thru this year. A few heart breaks, one of them was very rough. Many tears for sure, though the laughs were uncountable. But still, I feel so empty that I don't even wanna pass that day.
Quoting from my friend, maybe this year is not about the number, but it's about how I find the meaning of it. But I don't know, I feel nothing about it. 

Captivated

Every time I tried to go on with my life before I fall for you, you messed it up by appearing very charming and attracting every single molecule in my body, makes me feel like I can't get away from you, the charm that I can only feel. Only me, no one can feel your charm the way I do. But here I am, sitting on my couch, blogging about my stupid rejected feeling towards you.
A few days ago, I thought I was freed from your charm. I thought, "This guy can distract my mind from you, I'm sure." That's what I think, but not what happened.
The way you move, your glance makes me hard to keep my eyes of you. It's not that you're this charming, handsome, wholesome boy, no, you're not. We all know the fact that you're not even luckier than I am when it comes to love. You've been rejected a few times and can't even move on from your past. But again, here I am, not even better than you are, blogging craps about you, when it's so obvious that I can't even catch your mind. There is no space in your mind that is captivated by me.

These few weeks been such a rough time for me. Trying so hard not to bothered by the thought of you, by words that you gave me, the glances that makes me hard to keep my eyes of you. Again, it's very hard not to take a look at you, moreover when you're also looking at me, and then you raise your eyebrow to me. I wish that I can make you love me the way I want you to feel, but then again, it's not love when I want you to feel the same thing as I felt.

But yesterday, you appear as charming as usual to me, making me love you like I used to, before those words broke my heart. We talked, we sat next to each other, like nothing had happened before. Again, you stole my focus that moment when you enter that door, walk with such a goody stomps. Stop making me love you then I'll set you free from my mind.

Songs

It's been a long time since I posted my last post!
Well this time, I'm going to post about songs that reminds me of people. They could be girl friends, guy friends, exs, crushes, and many other people who are related to me.

First of all, since he's my muse on this post, then I should mention him first.

You give me something - James Morrison
He was this guy, I've known for... yea I can say around 7 years, and I know him well. I know him well doesn't mean that we had a thing, no. He was just the guy who used to sit around me in classes.
So, now, the question: Why am I relating this guy to this song?
Answer: So one night, I was on my way to see a movie with him, just the two of us. It's just his typical move when trying to get a girl, sending her a song that he cover. He's been offering me to cover a song for him, so I asked him to sing this song for me, and on that drive to the movie, he sent it. Still didn't see it coming. For short, the night didn't turn to be good and I realized that he got a thing for me, which I turned down, of course.

Pumped up kicks - Foster the People
The song that always successfully reminds me of my ex. Clearly. No need such a brief explanation.
Okay, maybe I need to explain it a bit.
So, the question: Why am I relating my ex to this song?
Answer: So, one night, I was very much longing for him, after a few outings with him, well, lots of outing with him, he texted me if I know this song, which I didn't at the moment, then he sent me voice note of this song. Since then, every time I listen to this song, it'll be him I think about.

Any songs - Paris Hilton
Sounds tacky, isn't it? But this is our thing, up until now. This is my very best friend since high school.
So, here is the question: Why am I relating my high school best friend to this song?
Answer: There is no particular event, it's just that, since the 10th grade, we will be sitting next to each other on school trips, and it's funny that Paris Hilton's song is always there when we share music on the trip.

You Took My Love  - Pitbull
She's a girl from my friend in college. She's a party girl, and nothing that I can really say to describe her.
Here comes the question: Why am I relating this friend in college to this song?
Answer: When we were still hang out, every time we took a ride with her car, we sang to this song. It's not just me who's reminded to her by this song, but also my friends

Titanium - David Guetta
This song is remind me of my very good friend from college, we always hang out and I can say that she's the closest friend I have in my college life.
Questiooon: Why am I relating her with this song?
Answer: She have this bull tattoo, because she's a taurus. But the taurus is not just a taurus, the taurus was formed by "Titanium"so if you read the tattoo, you'll see that it's actually written "Titanium" and she said that that song means something to her, which I have no idea what is it up until now.

Let Me Love You - Ne-Yo
Again, my friend from college. We're also very close but not as close as the Titanium girl. We also hang out all the time.
What's the question again? oh. Why am I relating this friend to this song?
I'll answer it with: she sing to this song all the time, from the top of her lung, as if she's singing this song with her whole heart. Well, the point is that she sing this song with such a deep feeling, and sing this a lot, even if I take a ride with her car, there is a probability that we'll be sing to this song three or four times, and you have to take a note that the ride is only about 30 minutes ride... Well yea that's a lot of repetition.

Come Back Home - Two Doors Cinema
This is such a good friend of mine since High School. We had something, a few times, but never really make it. It was such a complicated relationship we had.
So, Why am I relating this song to this guy friend?
The answer is that, back in the beginning of our friendship, he sent me this song. He used to sent me weird things, like horror and stuffs to fright me, or even sad song to make put me in a bad mood, that's just so him. That's why at first I was curious about this song but didn't want to open it, but after I listened to this song, I fell in love with it.

Mirror - Justin Timberlake
This guy is like a good friend of me that I've never met since we knew each other. Once he wants to visit me, but I said no because it was waaaay too early to meet someone you just knew.
So, the background of why am I relating this song to him is that, in the beginning of our talks, he told me to watch a cover of this song, also at the moment I was very in love with this song, so I think it was a very funny coincidence, which makes us close very fast.

That's all that I can think about for now, maybe next time if I came up with something I may make a new post. Thanks for reading!

Ending of something is the beginning of another thing

Hari ini, tepatnya 6 bulan 8 hari sejak... yah bisa dibilang semuanya berakhir. Walaupun seperti yang kita semua tau, akhir dari sebuah hal adalah awal dari hal lainnya. Dalam masalah ini bisa gue katakan bahwa hari itu adalah awal dari gue harus kembali belajar survive sendiri, terima kenyataan, dan gak lagi mimpi muluk-muluk. 

Nyatanya gue memang mampu untuk survive sendiri dan terima kenyataan. Tapi semua itu bukan serta-merta membuat gue gak lagi mimpi muluk-muluk. Jujur, awalnya gue malah agak merasa I have no goal in this life anymore. Akan tetapi, seperti yang kita semua tau, gue itu gak konsisten tentang apapun. 

Kita bahas kejadian yang menjadi awal dari kenapa gue punya cerita ini untuk dipost. 

Intinya pada hari itu gue murka. Karena kemurkaan gue tersebut, akhirnya gue mendapatkan sebuah jawaban yang singkat, padat, namun ambigu. Maka akhirnya, sejak mendapat jawaban itu gue memutuskan untuk gak lagi-lagi berharap. Gue ga menghubungi dia kurang lebih dua minggu seinget gue. Di sinilah baru terjadi permasalahan.

Ceritanya gue lagi iseng-iseng pengen nanyain dia, apa dia dapet seleksi undangan juga. Tapi yang aneh adalah dia bales bbm gue baik banget, gak kayak sebelum-sebelumnya yang banyak juteknya. Secara otomatis gue menjadi bingung dan nerka-nerka, kenapa anak ini berubah?

Ternyata jawabannya adalah dia mulai sakit parah sejak beberapa hari setelah gue murka itu dan dia ngerasa semua itu terjadi karena dia karma sama gue. Otomatis gue ketawain dia lah, there's no such thing as karma, lagi pula gue juga udah maafin dia waktu itu. Intinya sejak ini gue hubungannya sama dia membaik lagi. Dari situ gue dan dia mulai baik lagi keadaannya, atau tepatnya gue berusaha memperbaiki. Pas bulan Maret, gue jenguk dia ke rumahnya. Entah kenapa, gue jadi galau lagi sejak itu, padahal sebelum-sebelumnya gue udah mulai jauh mendingan. Akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk gak menghubungi dia selama yang gue mampu. Ternyata, lagi-lagi batas maksimum gue hanya  dua minggu. begitulah seterusnya, kalo gue udah capek, gue gak berhubungan sama dia dua minggu biasanya. 

Lalu, beberapa waktu yang lalu gue kembali jenguk dia ke rumahnya, kali ini dengan beberapa temen lainnya. Pas waktu itu gue lagi gak merasa kepikiran tetang dia dan semacamnya, karena pikiran gue lagi banyak dan gue sebenernya lagi suka sama orang lain. 

Kira-kira seminggu kemudian, dia bbm gue duluan. Wah tumben banget, dalem hati gue. Ternyata dia mau kasih tau ke gue kalo penyakitnya lebih parah daripada diagnosa sebelumnya. Sejak saat itu gue jadi lagi-lagi makin perhatian dan kepikiran tentang dia. Gue berusaha ngeyakinin diri gue sendiri kalo rasa sayang yang gue rasain ke dia itu sebenernya cuma rasa sayang ke sahabat, tapi kok kayaknya beda ya... Gue pun merasa, gue sebenernya pengen dia sadar kalo gue masih se-care itu sama dia, tapi gue takut kalo dia tau, dia malah akan berfikir kalo gue adalah cewe menyedihkan yang gak bisa banget get over something. Bingung kan? Iyalah, gue juga bingung soalnya. 

Gue tau kemungkinan besar ga akan ada yang baca ini. But if you do, udah diem aja jangan ngomong macem-macem :) 

Now, the lessons learned.

Ngomong apa sih gue sebenernya? Ya gitu, gue sudah mulai berusaha belajar lebih banyak dari hal-hal yang gue alami. Salah satunya mungkin dari pengalaman gue terakhir pacaran kali ya. (Kamu, yang selalu jadi bahan posting aku, semoga bangga menjadi bahan inspirasi aku hahaha) Inget kan betapa gue penasarannya dengan perasaan si cowo ini waktu dulu gue masih 'buta'? Dan gue sekarang merasa mata gue udah cukup terbuka untuk mengerti kenapa gue seharusnya nggak sama dia sekalipun itu hanya sekedar dari sudut pandang gue.
Menurut gue, peluang yang ada seharusnya kalo kita memang ada minat tentang hal itu, harus kita coba jalani. Kenapa? Misalnya begini, mungkin contoh gue selalu tentang cinta-cintaan mulu, but this is where I'm good at. Lanjut ya tentang si cowo ini. Setelah gue penasaran, akhirnya kan gue jujur sama dia karena gue merasa apapun yang terjadi, no loss. Kalo perasaan dia dan gue sama ya bagus, kalo ngga yaudah, berarti mungkin yang selama ini gue pikirin bener. Ternyata sama. Dari situ semuanya mulai lagi. Start over. Pdkt lagi dari awal. Semuanya berjalan baik, sampe akhirnya kita jadian, dengan sebelumnya agak gue konfrontasi.
Pesan dari gue, sesuatu yang dipaksakan itu tidak baik. Setelah jadian, gue memang merasa agak kurang gimana dengan kebiasaan dia dan gue yang ga sejalan. Gue yang bisa2 dari bangun sampe tidur lagi main hp mulu, sedangkan dia yang biasanya berapa jam sekali baru buka hp. Akhirnya kadang gue suka ditinggal2, dalam hati gue, yasudah lah, ngalah man, semua ada harga nya. Tapi lama kelamaan agak gerah juga, bayangin aja, selama pacaran dan pdkt, kalo ada orang yang nelfon, orang itu adalah gue. Gue tau sih, mungkin gak semua orang yg mau beli pulsa buat nelfon ngobrol gak penting kalo ada bbm, tapi.. Boleh lah sesekali ngorbanin 10ribu buat nelfon pacar, apa sih salahnya? Dan sampai akhirnya suatu hari dia mutusin gue. Hari itu gue nangis udah kaya maraton, 5 jam lebih hampr gak berenti. 4 hari dia gabisa dihubungin. Putusnya juga tanpa alasan yang terlihat logis.
Tapi lama-kelamaan gue punya alasan sendiri kenapa gue seharusnya gak pacaran sama dia. Gue rasa dia masih kurang dewa untuk menghadapi masalah secara terbuka ataupun ngomongin masalah tersebut, beda sama gue yang semua masalaha langsung diomongin depan orangnya biar masalah itu gak berlarut-larut, terutama masalah sama pacar. Mungkin juga karena dia masih sangat egois untuk mengalah dengan orang lain. Terus apa hubungannya gue belajar dari pengalaman? Saat lo gak tau apa yang bakal lo dapet, lo akan penasaran terus dan pada akhirnya lo terus-terusan tersangkut dengan masa lalu itu. Namun, kalo lo coba hadapin dulu semua itu, lo akan tau apa akhir yang bakal lo dapet dari peluang yang ada buat lo itu, dan jika hal itu bukan hal yang bagus, ha itu bakal jadi pengingat buat diri lo sendiri agar gak punya keinginan untu kembali ke hal yang sama dan lo udah tau seperti apa akhirannya, dengan begitu lo gak akan terus-terusan tersangkut dengan masalah yang sama.